


In The Darkness I Will Meet My Creators

by wibblyR



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, M/M, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 17:09:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9451724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wibblyR/pseuds/wibblyR
Summary: And they will all agree, that I'm a suffocator."Galen Erso reprogrammed me." (from the Rogue One novelization)Bodhi didn't know how right he was.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Tania and Alex.  
> Beta-ed by [LennyFace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LennyFace/pseuds/LennyFace)  
> Title (and summary) from "Smother" by Daughter.

Galen Erso is a man made out of mistakes.

Too many to count, and yet all of them fit in his heart.

There is a certain moment in his life, after Krennic steals him away, where he gives up. He wants to commit suicide.

But he doesn’t. Not literally, because he knows now that they will complete the Death Star without him, that he is not essential to the plans, and that he has to make himself essential to make a change, to realize this wild idea he has. Design a flaw. Get the plans out. Let the rebellion take the Death Star down. And then the Empire. He dares to be this wildly optimistic. It’s that or kill himself, having become the villain.

But in a way, Galen Erso does kill himself. He doesn’t lose his kindness or his spirit, no. But he entirely becomes his idea. He makes himself into the shape of his plan. There is nothing but that that matters now.

Until he reaches the part in his plan where he needs someone. He’s been alone. Solitude is his second skin and he isn’t close to anyone. But people still gravitate towards him, because insults and condescension don’t come easily to him. And some people’s eyes follow him, old desperate him, the attractive widower, more discreetly. Isn’t it much easier to choose amongst those people that amongst those who see him in a friendly manner? Friendship is a burden he can’t afford, can’t bear. And love, also. But he can’t love anymore, not after Lyra. Lust, though. That he can work with.

There’s this pilot, Bodhi Rook. Galen makes a point to remember everyone’s names – in no way is he going to let himself off the hook. He feels better the more guilt he carries. He’s just careful not let it destroy him before he’s done.

Bodhi Rook comes from Jedha. Transports mainly kyber crystals. Has lots of energy. Is cute, in an unkempt way. Looked at Galen’s lips the couple of times he talked to him. How easy will it be to rope him into his plan? Is he a fervent Empire believer? Only one way to find out.

Galen asks him how he’s doing every time he sees him, so that Bodhi feels free, one day, to strike up an innocuous conversation in the meal line about which droid to grab a bite from, so that when Galen sits (close) with him at the cantina, “just to talk”, it doesn’t feel weird. How do shipments go? How is Jedha? Bodhi answers carefully. Only one way to loosen his lips.

Bodhi gets it when Galen invites him to his room, because by then, Galen’s interest doesn’t feel so fake anymore (Is it? Is it still fake? Galen wants it to be so badly). But Bodhi is confused – disappointed, even, when Galen pulls a would-be kiss down to his neck, when Galen asks to be fucked. He leaves afterwards. Does that mean that he wants to stay? Would he stay if his lust was satisfied the way he wants? Only one way to keep him.

The next time Galen greets him, Bodhi doesn’t quite look at him, and Galen whispers, _I still think about my family. I’m sorry. And now I think about you too. I don’t know what to do._ He sees the jolt of shock his half-lie sends through Bodhi’s spine just before he turns away.

Later in the day, Bodhi catches him in a miraculously empty hallway, his lips parted with sadness over the stumbled “Sir”, his fast mouth mumbling and his tongue catching when he says that he can’t stop thinking about Galen either. It’s so easy to let himself be overcome with hunger for that mouth, those lips, that tongue, and to kiss Bodhi ravenously, pulling on his wild strands of long hair. _It’s Galen_ , he says.

Galen takes him to his room and lets Bodhi’s earnestness melt his cold heart and his moans of his name drown all thoughts. Bodhi has lithe and pliant limbs that he wraps around Galen, keeping him in, urging him on; it takes all of Galen’s willpower and then some to try and fail not to lose himself in him.

He stops Bodhi from half-heartedly leaving for the night by pulling him to his chest, resting his chin on the pilot’s disheveled hair to stop having to look into those big, yearning yet questioning eyes. Galen still wakes up to them gazing at him, then turning sheepishly away. Galen pets his face in reassurance, gains his attention. _Tell me about you._

And Bodhi does. He finally confides, neutrally, but the information is enough: he was the perfect candidate. He has no care for the Empire, he only wants to fly, and now he loves Galen. He will do it. But Galen waits before telling him. That’s his downfall.

He waits, biding his time between their reunions where they stay in his room having sex and talking in bed – mainly about Bodhi. Too much. Too many details. Before Galen can stop it, Bodhi has become a person. Galen is frightened that he forgot what it felt like to know a person intimately. He is frightened that he’s remembering.

It’s only before long that Bodhi starts to ask about him, too. Galen answers carefully, like Bodhi did. But he let himself be warmed by Bodhi, and his thawing heart keeps spilling out thoughts too emotional. The tenderness in Bodhi’s eyes undoes him, finishes to peel him open so that when Bodhi tries to cheer him up by talking about his work, what he’s doing, Galen tells him.

Bodhi stills. Galen sees him caught in-between, not knowing if he has to praise the Death Star or be horrified. That’s the moment. Galen takes Bodhi’s face in his hands and unravels his plan. He can feel Bodhi tense, and then, little by little, as Galen counters his quiet unbelieving questions, Bodhi relaxes. There’s a silence where they watch each other, truly see each other. Then Bodhi says, because Bodhi is clever and too good to be true:

“In this scenario, I’m the pilot.”

Not even a question.

“You’re the pilot.” And before something cracks in Bodhi’s lovestruck gaze, “You’re my pilot.” Galen hates himself.

They plan together now, and Bodhi is amazed by Galen’s “genius” and doesn’t notice how fast-thinking he himself is, and all the while Galen wants to say, _I manipulated you. I used your feelings and then I fell in love with you and I’m still manipulating you right now_. He doesn’t. He never will. Because when Bodhi shakes with apprehension and says,

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

Galen responds with “You’re brave. You only need to use your heart.” And he doesn’t want to break it.

Galen Erso is a man made out of mistakes.

Too many to count, and yet all of them fit in his heart.

The latest : his betrayal of Lyra, Bodhi’s near-worship of him and this one, just now : he gives Bodhi the message, he lets himself be kissed, numb, one last time, before he sends his pilot away, never to see him again, and he doesn’t tell him that he loves him.


End file.
